I am puzzled…I do not understand…

gigi2

Dear all experienced mums & professionals here:

I need your advice to my problem recently…

My girl is going to 3.5 at the end of this month and now is studying in a normal kindergarten.  My old BK friends must know that recently I cooperate with the kindergarten teacher for exchanging the videos with each party in order to understand my girl’s behaviour at school and at home.  Since the teacher tells me that she is passive and quiet at school whilst I find my girl is willing to speak and respond at home – which is quite different.

After Christmas, we are glad to see that my girl got good improvement in both comprehension and expression ability with us as well as while we are going outside at family days.  However, I feel worried after watching the DVD from school which pictured her behaviour in class to me:

Summarized points:

1)        She will play with other students but less interaction.  No resistance with holding hands or play toys in group etc.
2)        She seldom responds to teacher’s enquiries.
3)        She looked boring with story reading time but she can memorize and recite all words and knowledge learnt from class after back home.  I know that because she will pretend to be a teacher at home and teach us what she has learnt from class.  But from the video, she keeps on yawning on her chair (the story reading time lasted for 20 mins).
4)        She can perform fine motor in class i.e. matching words with picture by a light thread.
5)        She is able to sit properly well and concentrate on reading books or drawing in class (10 to 15 mins from video) but if the teacher asks her some questions while she is doing those tasks she may not ‘respond’ to her all the times.
6)        She is very poor at queuing or lining up.  Her disciplinary is weak.  Fortunately, she will not run around in the classroom all the times.  But she is always away from the queue or group.  For example, she will not act as other students to do exercises in front of the teacher in the music lesson but instead she goes to get another funny objects to play.  However, which make me very puzzled is that she can perform the exercise well in front of us at home.
7)        I am sure she likes this school very much.  When we are watching the video, she is very excited and will point out what she is doing and describes a bit to us and to my maid.  But the description is with limited words only.

8)        Fortunately, she will not harass or disturb other students in class.  She does not obey the disciplines esp. in queuing etc.  She is not willing to stop playing in the playground while time up!


My girl got speech delay with weak in comprehension and expression but on & on got good improvement in the past 10 months of ST training at Heep Hong.  Currently she can speak full sentences but she still falls behind from the same group.  The ST from Heep Hong told me last month that my girl was the type who could pick up her speech with same level as other kids in the end.  Other than the ST training, the early child training teacher commented that the cognitive knowledge of my girl is up to standard and some parts are even better than her current age.

I feel that my girl is quite self centred and will not easy to let somebody control her.  When she was 2.5 years old she was diagnosed by a general paediatrician as autistic feature child but within the same week we consulted another double doctorate psychologist Dr. Kwok that she was only a speech delay child.

Sorry to post a long message.  The main reason is that I start to feel happy with her improvement recently but I get worried about her performance in class after watching the video from school.  Conversely, the school teacher said that she performed much better at home after she watched the home video from us.

Honestly, I wanted to take her see the psychologist again but I am afraid that she is still too small that the test result is unreliable.  

She keeps on improving indeed.  Sometimes I will be puzzled why she acted like this.  Surely she is not a friendly small kid and a bit cool.  She got eyes contact especially at home but I found her less eyes contact in class.  Some friends asked me if she is gifted or not but I don’t think so as she starts to speak so late and she is NOT extremely wonderful with mathematics or what else etc.  She just got a strong memory and has a good sense of music.   Sometimes she seems understands but sometimes she does not – I really cannot read her minds.

:cry:  :cry:  :-|  :-|

HelenMrs.Lau

我有0野講

mamee

gigi2

其實我經驗唔會多你好多, 不過我第一句會講分別在於:
在家3對1, 爸爸媽媽+maid對你囡囡1個
在學校12/14對1, 10幾個學生對1個老師
呢個分別, 可以令小朋友既表現分別好大.

其實我仔仔都係咁, 我單獨對住佢, 佢都幾乖; 但係去到學校, 悶呢就會行來行去.
正如去到音樂堂, 就算你囡囡平時好enjoy music, 但係一無人陪住佢玩, 就覺得無聊要攪第二樣.

我仔仔上天台玩, 或者係學校玩桌面遊戲, 一樣過左時間都唔願停. 佢會話: 玩多一陣吖. 老師(平日我自己都係)唯有俾多啲事前warning佢=仲有5分鐘/3分鐘/1分鐘就收玩具, 又或者俾佢玩多最後1次.

講故事同認字亦唔相同, 唔留心聽故事亦可以認到字. 不過從你所講, 我相信你囡囡記憶力應該幾好.

So far只係想到咁多, 再想到其他就再傾.

mamee

gigi2

Luckily she is very normal while going out and I need not be a mad woman to take care her but I feel tired sometimes with her thoughts.  Actually, we do not care about the treatment to her by adopting A-features or speech delay because two methods are almost the same.  Sometimes I am lost as I cannot say that she is total out of picture for understanding but also I do not dare to say that she is really able to fully understand all.

HelenMrs.Lau

DEAR GIGI2,
通常D細路係0甘

justjust

gigi2,

Agree: 學校一個款，

稚言治語

Children with speech delay ofter perform better at home than in a group (maybe in class).  

Their language ability is not good enough to communicate without difficulty.  When talking to a familiar adult, they will know that this person is going to guide them through.  They may face communication breakdown when interacting with not-so-familiarized people, other children in particular, that makes them "afraid" of further interaction.

As far as she is improving when talking to you, you may not need to worry too much.  This situation will go when the child's langauge abilities keep on improving.  Well, if it persists (say, more than six months), or the situation get worse (such as, the child does not produce any words in school), then you better seek for psychologist's advice.

gigi2

稚言治語,

Thank you for your advice.  Yesterday the teacher discussed with me about the video from class.  I expressed to her my concerns and worries after watching it but she said that my girl got good improvement and self initiative when compared to the term start of school in Sep 04.  Though she was not speaking much in class than at home, the teacher observed that she was improving everyday especially after Christmas but only my girl seems did not enjoy group activities at this stage.  However, at least she could sit properly to listen to a story (though yawning), table tasks, drawing and reading etc.  Now she can line up properly once for every 4 times.  I am glad to have this kindergarten which embraced my girl and act proactively to help her get improvement.  The Principal even will join discussion with the class teacher and us at the Parent Day.



Justjust, Helen, mamee

All along, I understand the difference of behaviour performed for a child at school and at home.  But after I watched the school video, I got the mixed feelings about my girl’s performance – All other students followed the teacher’s instruction in the music room, she was the only one to run away for other objects to play.  

Since when I submitted the application form to Heep Hong only presenting the report from the GP in order to get place asap from Government training, according to their current information provided from me from which they only know that my girl has been diagnosed as A-feature as I did not present them the report from the Doctor who said my girl was only with speech delay.  Heep Hong treats and trains my girl with no difference as other A-feature childs but the ST commented that my girl has got a big improvement and would be no problem to catch up the level in future with other same age kids.  That’s why we currently have 1 lesson of early child training every week but only a lesson of 2 to 3 weeks for speech therapy.

HayBMum

gigi2,

Similar problem with my son except that my son's expressive language & cognitive is not as good as your girl.

I asked the private OT before and here was her replies:

My son is delay in social skill (typical problem for autistic kids). He can have very good interaction with family member but not the teacher/colleague at school.  This was because he cannot "register" too many people at his current stage.  He need to take more time to register the other people.  "Register" is not simply memory. A child registers his mummy as:
someone who feed him, carry him, play with him, laugh with him, give him comfort when feeling bad.....  Some kids may not need very detail registration before they can interact with them. But some kids (even though without special need) may need to take time to register the persons before he can interact.  

For my son, he is still not ready (or better to say not yet feel the need) to register the people other than family members.   The OT said therefore she need to do a lot to attact my son's attention for registration.

To improve this, the OT teach me to play with my son pretending that we are at school.   You are very clever to think of the method of taking video.  You can try to do similar things with your girl (don't always let her be the teacher.  Sometimes she need to be the classmate and act what they do.)

Hope the above helps.
  

gigi2

Haybma,

The Principal of my girl's kinder has discussed with us at the Parent Day and she advised that we should consult more professionals to identify her root problem.  From the principal's observation (2 hours in one day) in class, my girl performed badly without interaction skills and disciplines.  She only will feel interest with new things/knowledge etc to be taught but shows no interest for repeating those things in class.  Speak meaningless talk herself and though she will take initiative to get toys and sit together with other kids, no interaction skills during her play in the group.  When the teacher reading the story and raise q&a, she either sit on her chair without response and keep yawning or recite those poems sticked on the wall.  

After her description, I also felt shock and surprise as I have not imagined before about her responses and behaviors would be so worse and negative as per the principal's comments.  Though my girl is not 100% well behaved at home, at least she can concentrate with some tasks which might be her preferences.  SURELY SURELY she can communicate with us by expressing her needs verbally.  But I must admit that she is the type who is not easy to get control over her minds.  Especially for recent mths we observe that she gradually makes more sense in all aspects, but I really got shock about her non sense making in the class.

The school is not going to complain, conversely, they have 3 other kids with problem currently at there and the school only wants to help my girl.  The principal emphasizes that we are now in the same boat to help my girl.

Before, I think we have seen the light ahead but it is not!  The light is still dim..... :cry:  :cry:  :cry:

HayBMum

gigi2,

Don't be upset.  You are doing very good already.  Your girl should be ok eventually.  Give her more time.  In fact, having a child with special need is a life battle.  

I have no idea who should be the most appropriate professional that can explain your girl's problem.  For me, whenever I am puzzled with the behaviour of my son, I usually ask the OT as she is a very experience person with special kids.  Similarly, I think you should ask a professional that you can rely on, like the CP that diagnosed your girl's speech delay problem.  I think he/she can at least refer you to the right person.

Cheer up!

gigi2

Thank you HayBmum,

Actually I got enough psycho preparation of receiving any negative comments or diagnosis finally on her problem.  Yesterday we have the family reunion dinner at the restaurant and one of the relatives (uncle) who seldom joined us and my girl only met him once or twice a year.  However, she did not resist him and was willing to follow his request for a hug and sat on his leg to play.  My good direct relatives were told the talk from me regarding the principal’s observation.  They thought that even she was confirmed as A-features child but she would be the very marginal case of the problem.  During the dinner, my girl performed normal and responsive, they also got puzzled about her mind and the reason of uncooperative at school.

I will take your advice to consult my reliable GP who takes care my girl since she is newborn from the hospital for sickness.  Because I do not want to spend a lot of money but in return the so-called expert is the kind of irresponsible to focus on profit making on patients only.

mamee

gigi2

其實你囡囡返左學幾耐?

我仔仔頭一年返學時(N1, 2歲班), 頭果大半年都係坐唔到/會係音樂室自己行來行去/唔識聽故事. 不過仔仔就係返I位, 所以學校會盡能力找義工/嬸嬸/老師抱住個小朋友上堂. 經過差不多成年既訓練, 連帶全班最活躍既I位同學都叫做可以安靜坐低下.

我自覺, 當仔仔語言發展到左某一個水平=舊年8月返N2, 突然間就變得好喜歡聽故事. 總覺得聽(理解)故事比表達日常生活所講既說話為難, 有陣時未ready就係ready. 小朋友發展係無辦法估計, 可能好快囡囡會喜歡聽故事都唔定.

至於點解囡囡唔太喜歡同小朋友玩>有可能未習慣, 所有事都要一步一步, 慢慢來吧.

mamee

HayBMum

hi mamee,

Did you continue to read story to your son while he was still not ready?  I recently started this effort although my son always wants to run away.  I then hold him tightly and read faster in order to finish it.  Sometimes I feel quite exhausted as he does not enjoy the reading at all.

I am still waiting the miracle that he suddenly enjoy it.

haybmum

gigi2

Thank you, mamee,

My girl attended K1 since September last year and now she is no longer walking in class and will sit for 20 minutes while story reading time but she continues to walk around in the music lesson and sometimes she will not stop playing after the time up of activities in the playground.  The school expressed that she would listen to the story very attentively if the story was the first time to read out from teachers.  No interest and did not pay attention while those things are repeating.

Last night, her response to us at home which my husband and I couldn’t say her excellently but we could dare to say her performance was good and normal.  My husband suddenly talked to me this morning that he did not think our girl was abnormal.   I really do not know but she should have something and I have preparation to receiving any negative comments on her though I do not hope to hear….Now I have to find professionals again and I am fed up only because it seems I need to start the GAME from the beginning.
:-|  :-|  :cry:

justjust

gigi2,

I was just thinking ... I remember your girl has very good memory since she can sing the whole song with all the lines correctly.  Probably she can remember very well the stories/things that are repeated and thus is not as enthusiastic as being exposed to something new.  Afterall, all kids like and show more interest in new stuff than in old stuff.  

Give yourself and her more room and time.  Probably she doesn't behave perfectly in school.  While we should work on the things that our kids should be able to do but not doing it yet, we may also take comfort from the steps and progresses that they have made so far.

Keep it up. It is a life-long process whether bringing up normal or special children.

gigi2

‘Probably she doesn't behave perfectly in school.’

More sadly, not the question of perfect we want but she performed really very bad at school.  From the school report, she does not have the concept of counting objects to 3 which makes me very frustrated as we are sure she can.  She is unable to walk upstair by using alternate legs to step on but definitely she can which she proved herself last Sunday when walking by herself over 30 stairs at Church.

I also want to give her more room for improvement which actually we are doing this right now and she really has shown her improvement gradually to us and to Heep Hong.  I am only fed up with the game has to be started over again : GP – Govt service – private psychologist – numerous assessments – result – training...etc :cry:  :cry:  :cry:

mamee

HayBMum

我就無一定會坐底講故事, 一來之前佢無興趣, 二來我有時間的話, 通常會同仔仔做訓練. 不過圖書佢可以隨處拿到, 佢喜歡就拿黎睇. 好初期就買仔仔鍾意既Maisy同Noddy, 或者一啲有公仔可以拉起, 玩得既書(好易爛). 到依家就可以看晶晶出版果啲故事書, 因為佢有興趣坐底聽/講.

我明白你要返工, 同我唔同. 我自己就無工人, 樣樣自己帶=上st同幼兒訓練, 我會用番上堂用既方法/教材盡量每日同仔仔坐底玩半個鐘>有時都會偷懶.
甚至連煮飯, 仔仔都會跟我入廚房, 一齊切下菜; 我又會俾佢(玩)洗菜>洗到菜都爛咁濟, 又試過幫我落洗潔精洗!! 我既可以睇住佢, 佢亦多少學到野.

其實你已經盡心盡力, 好多事都唔係努力就可以改變. 隨遇而安, 盡了力就可以.

mamee

HayBMum

mamee,


"我明白你要返工, 同我唔同. 我自己就無工人, 樣樣自己帶=上st同幼兒"
I prefer to be full time mummy unfortunately it is not possible.  You know those trainings are very expensive and financially I need to work in order to maintain the trainings.


"其實你已經盡心盡力, 好多事都唔係努力就可以改變. 隨遇而安, 盡了力就可以."  
sometimes I feel I am not good to my son.  I cannot control my temper when he is not paying attention to the tasks.  He can't pay attention to a task more than 5 minutes (except it is his favourite things).  This upset me a lot.  But now I have some improvement in controlling myself.  This can be seen as my son now like to play with me more than his daddy.  Hope to do better in this way.

Last night before went to bed, my son suddenly ask me to "read book".  I know this was not because he likes it.  He simply treats this as a routine.  Anyway, I still see it as a good start.

haybmum

mickeyma

Gigi2,

Recently I have been terribly busy, but I kept my finger crossed for you when I read your message in this column.
In my mind, you are a very strong minded mother and I understand your frustration very well when somebody told you to find out the root of your kid's problem. I hate to go through those testing again and again as well. But I think the most important is not to find the root of the problem as sometimes I think this root is difficult to find: delay only or with A feature????????  Nobody can give us a good & definate answer. Dr. Kwok was commenting my boy not like A feature boy, but suggested he might have ADHD which can be checked later only. But government phyco who made first assessment to him kept ensuring me that he had A feature no matter what kind of progress he had been making...

Today, school' ST told me he had neally catched up the same age group in speech understanding and expression. She considered him as 2 year 8to 9 months now, lagging 1-2 month only which is not a big deal at all. But his teacher kept commenting to me that he would not do this and would not do that in school, not disciplined well sometimes... But at home he is good in many aspects...  We all have the same problem with our kids, I think we should find the suitable ways to train their weak points instead of stressing on the finding root... which is not easy and not definate at the end...  Even negative or positive result coming out later, what we should do we still need to do. No special treatment will be done even you find out later she is A-feature or only delay. If we train them and they improve in the weak points, then we say they are normal! It is very important how we think of them and treat of them.
Don't worry too much, God with you! HE knows you are really a good mother and HE will reward you for sure!
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