On Practice

warrrren

Practising is a common but under-discussed topic.  I would like to see more discussions about the topic.  Let me give it a start.

I had my daughter started learning the violin about 2 years ago (I guess it is more accurate to say I had her started, rather than she started).  Both my daughter and I had great fun in the first few months, and we enjoyed every practice moment.  Things, however, started to go wrong after a year or so.  Practice time became not so enjoyable, and sometimes not enjoyable at all.  She would do her work, yes, no problem - but it was me who made her do it.  There were moments that I too felt frustrated.  I was not satisfied that my presence in her lessons and her practice sessions was of any real help to her.  I was at best a time-keeper, or for the worse, someone who was only able to criticise, but not to see the inner beauty of my own kid.    What had gone wrong and what could I do to remedy the situation?  Questions like these kept troubling me.  I gave some serious thought to the problem.  It did not take long for me to realise that practising with a kid is an acquired skill, an extremely advanced skill if not an art in itself - it involves good understanding of children's behaviours, plenty of patience and letting go of one's ego and selfish goals.  I then resolved to learn how to practise good practising.

After reading a few books on practising, I formulated a set of rules for myself, and made myself practise those rules when practising with my girl.  After practising practising skills for a few months, things started to change.  I won't say I have solved all the problems but practising is now more fun than before.  Here is a brief summary of my rules:

(1) Remaining calm and confident before and during the kid's playing.

(2) Be positive, be very positive, always.  Kids are very smart.  They can pick up parents' negative feelings instinctively.  Kids love to look good in the eyes of their parents.  Not in a million years will a young kid try to frustrate his own parents.  If a kid cannot do a particular exercise, do it later or try a different method.  Things will start to go worse at the very moment you start to think "Oh no, how comes you never listen to me!"   Irritating behaviours such as creating a fuss, arguing, and poking may well be a child's way of expressing a fear - that he has done something wrong or am about to do something that is so bad that his parents will stop loving him.  We parents have to learn to control our emotion first before we can keep the kids' emotion under control.  Shut up and leave if you do not have anything positive to say.

(3) Be careful with choice of words, and be specific when making a comment - Instead of saying, "that was good/bad", say something like "I really like your intonation/ rhythm/phrasing."  Do not say "you played the wrong note again, here, look"; say "everything is good but there is one little thing here in measure that you can make the whole thing perfect.  Do you know what it is?”

(4) Focus on the music.  Ask your child about his own experience: "How did you feel about the music?  Is it happy or sad?"  A kid will feel the pressure if he is constantly asked, "Was your intonation correct?" or "What about your bowing?"

(5) Always keep in mind that the goal of practice is to make things easier.  When the goal of practice is to fix things, a child will tend to become defensive and resistant during practice.  Try imagine how you will feel if your mother-in-law correct you every ten seconds while you are doing your cooking in the kitchen.   At best you will put up a shield, ignoring her; At worst, you will draw your sword and fight back.  

(6) Try a different way.  There was a song that my girl could not get the rhythm right.  After several desperate attempts, I let her put down the violin, and danced and sang with her.  After a while, she got the rhythm and played the song beautifully on the violin.  

(7) Shoot only one arrow at a time.  Attempting to fix too many things at a time is a very bad habit.  "Good boy, good job getting the bow straight.  Now play it again and make sure that you keep the speed even and remember to keep your pinkie round, and let the bow float off the string when the piece is over."  A piece of instruction like this simply does not work.  Always keep in mind that kids really want to do a good job.  When we give children too much to do we unknowingly and unintentionally destroy their faith.   We need to do the opposite – to chop things into small enough pieces so we create a "cannot fail" environment.  For an example, shifting is hard enough for young kids.  Instead of asking the kids to work on a song that requires lot of shifting, ask the kids to put the bow down and pluck the strings while doing left hand shifting exercise.

(8) If a kid is busy sorting things out, shut up (and bite your tongue if necessary) and let him finishes his work.  It may sound simple, but no so when there are other homework to finish and the bedtime is past.

(9) Create a good practice environment – everybody is clam, quiet, no TV, etc.  Fill the room with music.

(10) Look for opportunities to play with other kids.   Having occasional group classes can be an uplifting experience for young kids.  Parents may also feel good to know that they are not alone.

(11) Lower one's expectation.  My girl's teacher is a very good professional violinist.  He once said that my girl is very gifted, quite exceptional among children of her age.  I still blame him for saying this to me because it contributed to some unreasonable expectations on my part, which led to some unreasonable requirements that I imposed on my girl.  Lower your expectation and your kid will do it better.  Trust me, I know.  I learnt it through the hard way.

(12) Forget about examinations.

That's all I can think of at the moment.  My goal is - that I be a guardrail, not a pair of handcuffs.

Having talked about so many rules, I have to remind myself one last thing–there is no other parent in this world quite like me, and my girl loves me anyway whether or not I am good at practising with her, so stay clam and relaxed when practising practising.  

Regards,
warrrren

Jackielee

Hello warrrren,

Thanks for your sharing here.

Sometimes, I feel I'm too relaxed on my daughter's practise.
I like her to be more serious, but it is quite difficult to tighten what it was too loose before.

reginetsui

thanks for sharing, good points here. I haven't thought of that while my daughter is practicing, haha.  

Richard_Hui

Warrrren,

Thank you very much for your sharing.

Richard Hui

gogochurch

Hi Warrren,

Thanks for your sharing. I have similar experience and agree that coaching a young musician requires much skill.  

Our practice turned easier after reaching a common goal with my 7-year old piano-learning daugter - that we are practising for the love of music.  Competitions/exams should be the means rather than the ends.

However small my daughter is and with just little music knowledge, I appreciate her sincere intention in loving and playing good music.  With that in mind, I go away when my presence in her practice has stopped being constructive.

syliujoe

Dear warrren,

Thanks for sharing.  I will remember not to lose my temper with my little girl when she practicing.  Actually she has been trying hard and so as your kids.