照片如此震撼, 究竟我们有否被孩子bully却不敢丞应?

annie40

近日的新聞真箇駭人聽聞，對於當爸媽的我們來說，更是震憾。大家都在想：究竟是什麼血海深仇，才會導致一個年輕人如此傷害養育自己成人的爸爸媽媽呢？

而且，還是一個這麼愛自己的爸爸媽媽……


會不會就是因為我們都太愛孩子呢？愛得忘了形，錫得過了頭，令他們變得毫無抗逆能力。我們不斷的付出，卻沒意識到他已負荷過重，愛他變成害他？

有天放工到銅鑼灣逛百貨公司，我沿扶手電梯爬到六樓，站在我前面的一對中年夫婦，穿普通裇衫牛仔褲，他們拖着的女兒，卻裝扮得像公主般華麗漂亮。走在一起，爸媽都像變了司機與隨從。

電梯一層一層的上，那爸爸每踏上一條電梯，便自動自覺化身「人肉梳化」，抱起女兒坐在大腿上。就這樣，兩父女從地下走到了六樓。女兒看上去約有六、七歲，不輕，看得出已習慣了這種皇帝女式享受，坐在爸爸大腿上，還苦着臉撒嬌，「好累啊！爸爸，我要去扭蛋！」圖片：Getty Images

這樣寵出來的孩子，會變成一個怎樣的年輕人？

記得我曾經在這裏談過年輕人讓座的問題，結果引起了頗多讀者的迴響。電子郵箱裏除了有大肚媽媽分享同感外，也收到了幾封年輕人寫來的自辯電郵。其中一封印象最深的，出自一位男學生的手筆，這孩子文筆不錯，思路也清晰，其理據大概是，「你不是我，怎知我不累！你以為大肚婆才會累嗎？知不知道學生一天到晚在上堂，也是很累的啊！所以，為什麼學生就一定要讓大肚婆呢！」

今天那顆坐在爸爸大腿的掌上明珠，明天會否就變成這樣的一個年輕人呢？要愛孩子到怎樣的程度，真值得我們每一個爸爸媽媽好好深思。

annie40

「你不是我，怎知我不累！你以為大肚婆才會累嗎？知不知道學生一天到晚在上堂，也是很累的啊！所以，為什麼學生就一定要讓大肚婆呢！」
*****   *****
语气是非常大洒的孩子, 全世界欠了他, 死多少个也不用同情吧?

HKTHK

回復 annie40 的帖子

If the children are bullying their parents, I do wonder if it is the fault of the children or their parents?  

annie40

Of course, parents should shoulder all responsiblities.  Quite often I see parents' mind is spellbound by those adorable angel faces and smiles that they hardly figure out they're creating monsters.  

HKTHK

回復 annie40 的帖子

I am sure most parents want their child to be well brought up.  But what went wrong in the process?  I suspect the HK "environment" is also partly to blame.

annie40

可能愈上高班, 父母的压力愈大, 本来好地地相信亲子教育的中产朋友, 突然也愈发resentful, 改而信奉好成绩方程式是:

1) massive and intensive traning and tutoring.
2) super IQ and gifted.
3) nurtured by very rich families

All fear and resentment are infectious spreading like virus.  I'm struggling to zip my mouth not saying anything, and obvious not good at this job.  then notice my friend starts to hate me, saying things like you know nothing because you're the only one to believe what you believe and your daughter is gifted.  (I can swear 100% not true)

Very sad, huh???  

HKTHK

回復 annie40 的帖子

These feelings are certainly infectious.  Kind of a race to the bottom.  And then other parents would pick up on it and turn everything into a competition.  Since 2 and 3 can't be acquired, I assume that your friend chose the route of 1?  Is this at a LS or IS?

Momiumo

annie40 發表於 13-3-22 16:16
可能愈上高班, 父母的压力愈大, 本来好地地相信亲子教育的中产朋友, 突然也愈发resentful, 改而信奉好成绩 ...

It's hard not to be affected by the fear and resentment spreading!  Although I don't really agree with the trend of judging kids with their academic results and other abilities, I do feel the pressure when all schools are using those as measuring sticks for admitting new students.  

I wonder how many of the parents are spoiling their kids with materialistic rewards or quietly bearing their kids' unacceptable attitudes or lack of manners, as they felt guilty for pushing them too hard academically... as sometimes I feel sorry for my own son too when seeing him can't really enjoy the joy of learning in the current education system.

mesmerising

有時坐坐大脾撒撒嬌無問題。只要我們同時注重性情的薰陶及品德的培養就是了。

HKTHK

回復 mesmerising 的帖子

Realistically, I see more parents sending their children to Kumon, Enopi, swimming, tennis, tutorial than 性情的薰陶及品德的培養

mesmerising

回復 HKTHK 的帖子

This is definitely the wrong track but now seems to be seen as norms!  That's why we have more and more kids with behavior / emotional problems unsolved which leads to further consultation with the professionals to help them untangle and get back to basic.  These in the old days , were just part of innate parenting.

Momiumo

mesmerising 發表於 13-3-22 17:11
有時坐坐大脾撒撒嬌無問題。只要我們同時注重性情的薰陶及品德的培養就是了。 ...

如果只是一時對爸爸撤撤嬌要去玩扭蛋，我都覺得沒有大問題，但上小學的孩子還喊累要父親抱坐大脾上六層電梯未免有點寵壞了。性情的薰陶及品德的培養應是從家裡開始。我最看不過眼的是現今的年輕人太自我中心了，對自己家人也不會讓座或幫忙，對外就更難會對不相識的人表示關心。要讓孩子學懂尊敬長輩愛護弱小，除了用言行教導，還要讓孩子身體力行，有時在家幫幫忙做做家務，或出外買東西時要他們幫忙拿一點，他們才明白怎樣表達愛和關心而不只是享受大人們的溺愛。

annie40

回復 HKTHK 的帖子

They are  IS parents.  Instead of admiring those decent students' effort and achievement,  they spread nonsense rumors saying universities and elite schools playing  'favors' to parents who happens as insiders, riches, and  best PR moms.   Perhaps sometimes it would give too much pain to believe fairness.  To blame others could be an easier route to escape.

shadeslayer

This is further complicated by hormone of teenagers and their urge to become independent. Will they grow out of it eventually?

hungrymama

有時候要比小朋友知道決定權始終係父母度，適當的打罵是有需要的

701003

原帖由 hungrymama 於 13-03-23 發表
有時候要比小朋友知道決定權始終係父母度，適當的打罵是有需要的

同意！

HKTHK

回復 annie40 的帖子

I do agree there is some truth to that.  College admission is not a fair game.  There will always be donations, legacies and other considerations.  It will be a good chance to have a discussion with their child though.  Keeps reminding me of that Bill Gates speech to Stanford.  Every child should learn that "life is not fair" and get over it.  Focus on what you can affect.  But I guess a lot of parents care less about their children than "looking better" than other parents.

Momiumo

我想很多家長都有過相似的經驗，就是如Mesmerising所說一樣，平時上班少陪孩子，又或是大部份時間只花在幫他們溫習上，所以有機會便想寵寵孩子，或盡量給予物質的滿足。我以往也是，特別是孩子還小時，真的想把自己年少得不到的全都給予兒子。可幸兒子對物質不算很多要求，不過他也不懂很珍惜，對長輩也算聽話，但從來不見他自動自覺幫忙，開聲要求他也只會用不情不願的態度去做。直至他剛升上中一時，他在學校午飯後自動幫忙收拾，老師在第一次派成績表時在我面前表揚，之後兒子的態度有很大的改變。他除了在校內變得比較積極服務同學，對家務他也不再抗拒。當然我也把握每次機會在家人面前表揚他，說他終於真正長大了，不但不再依賴，還會照顧媽媽。他每次聽到後都會十分開心的樣子。現在他不但會在體力勞動上幫忙，甚至自願用利是錢分擔家裡洗費！我想他是在付出的同時感受到滿足感吧。有時寵孩子不用物質，用讚揚可能更有效！

annie40

回復 HKTHK 的帖子

But I guess a lot of parents care less about their children than "looking better" than other parents.
****    ****    ****
You're so wise to see the point.  

以下是一段平常对话:

A 朋友的IS孩子十四岁已为自己定编对书时间表,朝七晚十一,  另妈妈已付出十二万(两年)的补习费,
问: 点解要甘努力
答:要公开试非常高分
问: 点解要非常高分
答:因为想当医生，要guarantee 考到．
问: 如果分数的门栏太高，既然非常有志向从医，有否考虑先读其他science degree, 或往海外继续发展念医科
答:　唔会，唔可以在香港行医，读呢都没用？

心想以为做医生的总有点小火苗，提醒自己有日要悬壶救世，不管何时何地何人也要施于帮助吗？

家有读书儿是难得的，愿望做医生更是难能可贵，可惜最终答案在最后一句，读书的目的变成十分本末倒置吧！

HKTHK

回復 annie40 的帖子

I once read some research on happiness and the basic message is people do not feel happy because they have more money.  They feel happy if they are richer than their friends and neighbors!  I guess such is human nature.